:Ross: I have been going through your translation looking for sentences that were unclear to me in English, so I could at least suggest that you look at them again, if you ever do another, more scholarly edition of the same work.
I will start with Marcello's letter, already discussed briefly elsewhere:
Accidit eodem temporeut Scipio caraffa ex provintiae regionibus nuper rediret, quocum iucundissimae et humanissimae cum de Serenissimi regis consortis vestri et unici ac observandissimi domini mei optimo ac felicissimo statu sermonem haberem. Casu quodam ex eo ludo quem triumphum apellant, cartae quaedam oblatae mihi ac dono datae fuerunt. (p. 112)
Your translation (p. 113):
At that time it happened that Scipio Caraffa had just returned from the region of Provence. While I was most pleasantly and courteously discussing with him about the best and happiest condition of the most serene king, your consort and my only and very observant lord, by some chance, certain cards of this game which is called "Triumph" had been offered and given to me as a present.
It seems to me that what you have says that while in the midst of talking, certain cards had been given to him. That is not what is meant, as you have confirmed elsewhere. I can find nothing in the Latin that corresponds to the "while" preceded by a period. It seems to be your filler to avoid an awkward "with whom" to link the two parts of the sentence together. But it doesn't work. Here is the Latin:
Accidit eodem temporeut Scipio caraffa ex provintiae regionibus nuper rediret, quocum iucundissimae et humanissimae cum de Serenissimi regis consortis vestri et unici ac observandissimi domini mei optimo ac felicissimo statu sermonem haberem. Casu quodam ex eo ludo quem triumphum apellant, cartae quaedam oblatae mihi ac dono datae fuerunt.
A literal translation (and I offer a few variants to your choices of words) would be:
At that time it happened that Scipio Caraffa had just returned from the region of Provence, with whom I pleasantly and courteously spoke of the best and happiest condition of the most serene king, your consort and my lord alone worthy of the highest respect. By some chance some cards of the game they call triumph were presented and given to me as a gift
But the "with whom" is very awkward in English, because the antecedent for "whom" is too distant. So instead:
At that time it happened that Scipio Caraffa had just returned from the region of Provence. With him I most pleasantly and courteously spoke of the best and happiest condition of the most serene king, your consort and my lord uniquely worthy of the highest respect. By some chance some cards of the game they call Triumph were presented and given to me as a gift
In that case the imperfect subjunctive "haberem sermonem" is simply "had words" (spoke, discussed), not "was having words" (was speaking, was discussing). Also "fuerent" is "were" and not "had been". And the punctuation of the original is respected as much as possible.
Other than that, in Marcello all I see is one word choice that seems to me a little off: "moveable goods" rather than "furniture". And a typo: "pleasing" instead of "plea-sing".
In Marziano's text itself I noticed a few things that also seemed to me off, but they are very small things, just treat them as suggestions, from someone with a good ear for English but mostly ignorant of Latin. You do not have to reply; they are simply here for your consideration if you ever put out another edition.
In the part on Juno, you have "rank" as the translation for "loco", which everywhere else in that context is translated as "place". "Place" will work fine here, too.
In the section on Pallas, consider ending with "and thanks" rather than "and for giving thanks", both because it is closer to the Latin and because it suggests that the thanks are to Pallas, not thanks in general.
In the section on Venus, you have the sentence "Always favouring lovers, she was much disalike in temperament to her son Cupid. " Yet it is not clear, here or after, how the two differ; your translation leaves us hanging. The Latin is "Haec amantibus semper favens, longe moribus dispar est genito cupidini." The contrast is perhaps between love (Venus) and desire (Cupid), But we (in the 21st century) use "lovers" primarily for a relationship governed by desire. Perhaps there is a double meaning going on. So: "Always favouring loving, she is much disalike in temperament to her son Cupid [cupidinis
, also meaning 'Desire']."
In the same section you have "And as a devotee of love, having had the delights, gratitude is to be paid to her." Something doesn't sound right. "As" makes "devotee of love" refer to Venus. Perhaps say "for" or "by" instead of "as".
In the section on Neptune, for "facundas", describing the Sirens' words, I think "eloquent" would be better than "fluent", because in relation to speaking the latter is more usually used about speaking a foreign language, and one might wonder if what was meant was how clearly they spoke sailors' languages.
In the part about Bacchus, you have "By his suggestion, after the grape had been discovered, human kind laid aside the drinking cup of streams and springs, and, after tasting pleasantness, they no longer quenched their thirst from rivers." The word "cup" is odd here, and I see nothing corresponding. in the Latin. Perhaps it should be "By his suggestion, after the grape had been discovered, human kind laid aside drinking from streams and springs, and, after tasting pleasantness, no longer quenched its thirst from rivers." Also, perhaps a "walking stick, from his name" should be changed to "walking stick [bacilus], from his name". In the last sentence of the section, there is a reference to Nysa, (Nisa, capitalized) which can refer either to the mountain where Bacchus was raised or to his nursemaid. You put in Helicon; but they are different mountains.
In the section on Mercury, instead of "source", I suggest "fount" (for "fontem"), to make the connection to "other streams" in the next sentence.
In the section on Mars: no comma between "soldiers" and "to be enthralled". Instead of "horrible" I suggest "frightful".
In the section on Ceres, you have "became worthless (to that extent we are guilty ones)". I think "was devalued (to that extent we are guilty)". Instead of "that cattle to be joined" I suggest "that cattle be joined".
In the section on Vesta, Instead of "like that of the nuns", I suggest "like that of nuns".
In the section on Aeolis, the referent of "his" in "his order" is not clear. In the English it would seem to be Jupiter. But in the Latin I do not see this implication. Nor do I see where "order" is in the Latin. Also where do you get "even if"? Why not just "if", in which case it is simply Aeolis to whom is conceded the power to soothe the waves, etc.
In the section on Daphne, instead of "the eagerness", consider "her eagerness". Instead of "by the banks of the grassy waves" consider "by the grassy banks of the waves". Instead of "that she thereby" consider just "where she". Instead of "and decreed", consider "decreeing them". Instead of "there is especially the laurel singled out by Phoebus; ..." consider "the laurel is especially singled out by Phoebus, ..."
In the section on Cupid, instead "is lead into captivity, and it is impossible to offer any further and difficult opposition, not to lead the neck up by the yoke." consider "is led into captivity, and to resist further is very difficult and not allowed, nor to separate the neck from the yoke". Also, instead of "victor of these", consider "victor over these".